Hello! Seiiti Arata. One of the most difficult questions we face throughout life is what to do when a relationship is not going well, and we start to wonder if it is better to end it.
There are three situations in which it may make sense to terminate a loving relationship: 1. when there is abuse, 2. when you consciously realize that you no longer want to continue and 3. when, despite wanting to continue, there are incompatibilities that cannot be reconciled.
1. Do not tolerate violence or abuse.
One of the reasons to stop dating or to end a relationship is when there is emotional or physical abuse, which is the most extreme evidence of disrespect. This is a sad situation, but we will not discuss it much on today’s video, precisely because it is the most obvious evidence of relationship failure for many people.
The focus of our conversation is situations in which one or both partners slowly drift apart in different directions.
2. Understand when you no longer want the relationship.
Understanding when to end a relationship is often the hardest part. Are you sure this is what you want?
A good tip when we have conflicts with others is to look in the mirror. That is, always start by trying to understand which of the problems come mostly from you.
There are cases of feeling a deep sense of internal restlessness. If that’s true of you, you cannot say that the problem is coming only from the other person. In this case, it is you who is complicating things.
For example, you can refuse to accept things as they really are. If you do not accept your partner the way he or she is, the problem is an exaggerated attachment to your idealized image of how things should be. And that makes it difficult to find satisfaction in anything or anyone that is not at this idealized level.
On the other hand, there are also relationships that are very problematic, and it may be better to finish everything. Even when there is no abuse or violence, there may be plenty of other reasons to end the relationship. This is what happens when the two of you want something different. If you believe that the way to a more fulfilling life is ending the relationship and moving on, then it will be valuable to know yourself.
Only you can know whether to stay in the relationship or not. Be very careful browsing articles on “signs that you should end your relationship”, as there are many rules that may work for other people but will not necessarily work for you.
Anyway, here are some examples of useful indicators that it may be time to consider a change:
You spend more time wondering if you might be better off living alone or with someone else than you spend improving your current relationship. That is, the end looks more attractive than the improvement.
The time you spend with your partner decreases, and in the end, you even feel relieved, because when you are together there is always some confusion, disagreement or disrespect. If you are the only one investing in the relationship, it is a relationship of one person.
Your partner’s negative traits become more sharp and unbearable. Perhaps what at first was tolerable or even funny now upsets or angers you.
Although there was great love at the beginning of the relationship, it seems that things have changed so much that now you are two strangers, united only by the past. But the present is unbearable.
I repeat: it is only you who knows the answer to whether or not you want to continue that relationship. As you are assessing it, it is important to determine if you are in a mature relationship or a dramatic relationship. See the link http://arata.se/withoutdrama to test what kind of relationship you have now.
3. Despite desire, there is incompatibility.
Finally, there are cases where even though you like some aspects of the relationship, there is a mismatch that you cannot reconcile.
Incompatibility can be opposite goals, dreams, aspirations. Maybe your plans and your values are completely different, and that causes such a strong disconnect that it can be better to end the relationship.
4. The only reason you are staying in this relationship because you don’t want to hurt the other person.
If you decided that this relationship is not for you and will not bring you happiness, but you don’t end it because you don’t want to hurt the feelings of your partner, something is wrong here.
Watch our video on arata.se/pe25. Are you are the type of person who changes your mind to please others? Are you afraid to end the relationship? Do you lack the communication skills to say what you think? You know it’s not a good idea to stay in a relationship only out of pity for the other. What then is hindering you?
If you need to learn to set limits and boundaries, learn how to say no, learn how to communicate assertively, visit the arata.se/howtosayno link for immediate access to the course, How to Say No.
If the relationship has no real future for you, then finishing it as quickly as possible is the best thing you can do for you and for the other person, because then you can both pursue different paths and find more happiness.
Extra tip: yes, It is important to find a good time to talk about ending the relationship, so be careful not to postpone this for too long. Maybe your partner’s birthday is coming up, and that might be followed by a family problem. Then there is a health problem, some professional frustration, Valentine’s Day… If you do not know how to define limits, it will never be the right time. It is essential that you learn to set limits.
If you feel you need to learn to set boundaries and improve your communication skills, please visit http://arata.se/howtosayno.